I NEEDED A SAVIOR

A SIGN FROM ABOVE

  As far back as I can remember, there was only one thing I ever really wanted from life, was to be loved ,and wanted, accepted for who I was. but who was I? and why was I born? and what would happen to me if no one wanted me? these are the questions that I kept to my self, in my own little world, that no one entered, because I was unlovable, and no one would want me. I loved and adored my mother, with all that my little heart knew, even if it seemed she loved drinking more than my brothers or myself. But one cold morning, I was taken from her,never to see her again, the way i remembered her in my heart,and put in a foster home with my brothers.What did I know at around 4 years of age, of the terrible things that happen to a child at that age, when there is no one to help him, or protect him, and so I was left to the wolves.To fend for my self. I didn’t know what to do, as even my own brothers abandon me, there in that foster home.it was a dog eat dog atmosphere and I always seemed to be on the menu, because I was so little and they knew no one would come and help me.but no one realized that even at a young age, I was seeking for the truth, asking questions, with no answers cause no one cared for the truth, only what would benefit them.but I did, I believe God put that in me, when I was born. Iwas always wondering why things happened the way they did, especially to me. Then one day as I was looking around, I asked my brothers, who made the grass, who made the trees, and the sky… they said they didn’t know and didn’t care and left me alone, as they went off together.I will never forget that moment, as I looked around, and said.. Who ever you are that made all this, please help me, as I am too little and I can’t fight for my self against this bad stuff that is happening to me. All of a sudden a cloud embraced me, and I could see my brothers walking up the hill thru it, and for the first time, I felt like someone really cared about the little boy no one wanted, and I would make because whoever made the trees and grass, ect... had heard me and would be close to me. And help me, get thru the nightmare I had been living,since i was born,and especially the time spent in that foster home. That day was very special as I knew whoever it was that had made all the things around me, had heard me.

A NEW LIFE

  After that incident, I found I got a feeling, I would be leaving there, when my brother asked, how I knew, I said, I didn’t know, just that I knew. He got mad and said ,I was crazy, we would never get out of there, that winter, just before my birthday, I meet my adopted family for the first time, I was so happy and excited,somebody wanted me.I asked if I could call them mom and dad, right away, I wanted to be accepted so desperately.I wanted to be loved, like other children, and would do whatever it took, I didn’t realize how different I was, till I went to school, because I had lived on the reservation, most of my life.they called me names and beat me up, and chased me every chance they got. My new parents didn’t understand what was going on, and soon they became disapointed in their little indian boy, and begin to abuse me, both physically and emotionally, I was so confused and frightened. The best thing to come out of that, is they went to church, and there I meet Jesus, and was told how he loved the little children, I thought to myself, thats me. And I cried, as I heard that he died for me on a cruel cross for me, and wanted me to live with him. So I accepted him as my savior, and I learned it was him who made all things, around me. I embraced him totally, as I knew it was him who saved from that bad place.i was very excited as I learned Jesus wanted me to follow him and teach others about his love for the world.but I begin to get confused as I watched and observed how everyone said they loved Jesus but most of the things they did was for themselfs.also at this time I was being abused more and more and had to work very hard all the time, finally after one such, beating, I talked to Jesus and told him I was trying to be good,and I didn’t know why I was always getting beatings, even for things I didn’t do, and the mean things they said to me cut right thru my heart. As now I felt more unlovable than ever. So I said to Jesus I can’t do this anymore, if this is love, I don’t want it, and I begin to build walls to protect myself from the pain, I wanted God’s love so much, but was so confused about what real love was, and felt he was approving what was going on in my life, and those in the churches and schools never once tried to intervene, I tried to tell, but they just said I should be grateful and didn’t believe me.I was so lost and confused, I still tried to serve God, and follow Jesus but my heart was torn and damaged, I couldn’t trust anyone, anymore. I begin to run away, cause I couldn’t take it anymore, didn’t know where I was going, but just wanted to find someone to love me. I would get caught and have to go back, it was always my fault.i always felt god was mad at me and something bad would happen to me.i always had this love for god,because I knew who saved me when I was little, so I would go up to the alter to get prayer and try again serving him. When I was 15 or 16, an evangelist was praying over me, and said god was talking thru him, and said if I didn’t change, he (god) would strike me down before I would become a young man. Wow!! talk about crying,i couldn’t believe, a God who saw everything and heard everything, would blame me for it all. I lived with that fear for many years.

AT A CROSSROAD

    when I was in the middle of my teens, God sent a woman to me who said, God talked to her and wanted her to help me, I was kinda of confused,because of everything going on and I knew I was at a cross roads, I really wanted God to speak to me and tell me he loved me, so I trusted her, and she heard about my life and said, indeed God loved me, and she helped me understand, God had a plan for my life, and if I would really trust him he would lead and guide me. But because of my home life, and the pull of the world,I struck out on my own. Each time I would fall on my face, I would call out to god to help me. Finally I was thrown in jail for drinking and driving and was at my wits end, so I joined the army, while I was there I got in a lot of trouble, and tried to take my own life, with sleeping pills, I woke up and felt the devil waiting for my soul, and cried once again to God, saying I don’t want to die, I went back out, and was thankful to wake up the next morning. Even tho God saved me from death, I still thought I could make it on my own and I would or die trying, I was fighting those words, you will never amount to anything, your no good, ect…these were constant battles thru out my life, I lost so much, trying to find what I thought was love, a marriage, my children, who are now grown,i rambled thru life and moved a lot, searching for the truth and love. I saw people’s love and truth and the way they used and abused people then threw them away. I wouldn’t have any part of that. Because threw it all, I still talked to God begging him please don’t give up on me, I tried to read the bible, but couldn’t understand it, and felt most people were phony’s anyway, so I would try and serve god my own way, but in my heart I was still searching for truth and love,not like I had witnessed , from those claiming to be christians, they made me sick, at least when I was backslidden,and not trying to walk with God, I would admit it, not put on a show for those in church, I tried to be real, and share from my heart, but it seemed to scare people, and I spent a lot of my life alone, my nights I would hug myself and cry, because I didn’t understand, why others weren’t searching for love and truth like I was, if God was a God of love and truth, then I had to experience it for myself and so far everything had failed, untill God showed his love for me one night, when the devil mad a move for my soul.

SIGNS OF THINGS TO COME

     At the end of 2001 I found myself moving again, this time to a isolated reserve with a woman from there, you had to take a small plane to get there, and once you got there you were surrounded by the lake, and there was only 12 miles of road. I used to joke, you ran out of road , before you ran out of time, but I really loved the place, as a person was right in the middle of nature, and I marveled at all god’s creation, that I saw from day to day.it was very tough living way out there as things were very exspensive, I soon learned about how much they liked to smoke weed, as I did too at the time. Smoking weed had been a very big part of my life, as I learned it helped with my depression and other emotional issues.i begin to buy joints, and saw you could make money if you got your own stash.and so I begin to make out of town trips, and have others bring it in.all the while I would talk with God about my relationship with him, and had convenced my self, this wa the best I could do, I spent a lot of time fishing and talking with him. I recalled one day as I was walking back home, I reminded him of what was said that I would preach and minister and help others, and I kind of laughed to myself, as I was living in a village of about 250 people, in the middle of nowhere, but I was happy, and did what I could to help where I was needed.but it seemed those words spoken to me in my late teens wouldn’t come to pass, as I loved where I was at, and I was finally feeling like I could really make it this time, and be someone and be a success, in my own way, even if it meant being a different kind of businessman, and selling a different product. I was getting good at it and had made alot of money,and the village accepted me, because I used the money to help others there as well.it was during this time, my job had ended for the summer, that I was going out of town to get more, and I would visit my mom who I found after 26 years, in canada.that was the reason I had moved to canada, was to be with her, as I still felt a special love for her, that never left since I was taken away from her, when I was 4 years old.my life at that point couldn’t of been better, for one of the first times in my life, I was controlling my circumstances, and not the other way around.i was able to hire a pilot to take me all the way to the city, I was excited, because I never drank in the village or partied, only when I went out to the city or surrounding areas.and here I was on my way, flying above it all, planning my weekend, as we flew along. As we were just about to land, the piot banked hard to the left, and pulled up, when we finally landed, I joked with him about it, and he informed me, that we just about had a head on crash in mid air,i felt the excitment leave me, and I knew there was more going on, I could feel it, was a warning of things to come. It left me feeling uncertain, because I knew God had given me a gift, and I knew this was a warning of some kind, I learned to listen to my spirit, and needed to discern and feel things out.

THE NIGHTMARE BEGINS

  Later on that night, I was in a crowed club, there was no room to sit, there was alot of people standing around, I noticed two guys and a girl come in,even tho, I had quite a bit to drink, I could sense something about them.of all the people there, that they could of bummed a smoke from, they came to me, I didn’t think much about it, at the time, I talked with them for a few minutes and then, they left.I drank the weekend away, and took care of what I went to the city for, and decided to spend time with my mom, and take her out, as her place was like a oven,during the summer.i told her of a out of the way place, that was quiet and cool, and they always kept the beer cold. We had been sitting there for a few hours, when suddenly she said she was leaving, and I should leave with her, because she said the people were turning into horses, I was like what!! I just thought she had to much to drink, and she left but I wanted to stay, so I made sure she got a cab, and went back in,after a few hours, I begin to feel werid, about the place, like something was going on, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. A girl came up to me, and said she would be back, I was like,hmmm I don’t know her, why is she saying that.i stuck around there till it closed, and then she showed up,and said, I told you I would be back. I spent a few hours partying with her, and a few others, then went back to my mom’s. I was telling my mom about how I felt werid about everything and she said, thats why she left. It was my last day with her,before I left to go back, and asked if she wanted to go out, she said no way! I told her it was my last night, so I was going out, as I didn’t know when I would be in the city again.she said be careful, I don’t have a good feeling, about you going out, I wasn’t to concerned, because I felt if something was going to happen it would have.i went to the same place, and asked if the girl I had met was around, someone knew where she was and went and got her. We started to talk about when we had met, and I said it seemed strange, and she said it was for her as well.there were to many people , that wanted me to buy drinks for them. And I was running out of money, it was about nine in the evening, so I said I would be back, as I had to go to my moms and pick up some more money.i got back and said, theres to many people here,lets go somewhere else, where I don’t have to buy everyone drinks.so we started down the street, and she brought up the subject about the little people , native people see, I told her I believed in it, but didn’t tell her, I thought they were demons pretending to be little people.she suggested going in to this one bar, but I said I wanted to get out of the area. So I said well just a few, but I wasn’t going to stay.we walked in and sat down, I had no sooner sat down when, I saw those two guys I met the first night, who bummed a smoke. Once again they came to my table, they didn’t have shirts on, as it was hot. I noticed the one had a tatoo of a big cross on his chest, I said oh you believe in god, he said thats not the kind of cross this is, I was like whoa, I knew then it was a devil’s cross. But I begin to talk about god with him, his brother came, and stopped us, and they left. I had went up to the bar, to order a 12 pack to have after, as they couldn’t sell after 10 pm. I went back to my table feeling good about how the night was going, as I sat down that girl said look theres a little person by the rail, I looked and sure enough, it was there,i wanted to get a better look, so a went up to it and it had long hair and was small, I put my hand on it’s back and said hi, it turned and hissed at me, it’s face was the face of a demon, I quickly went back to my talble, and the people there said, your not suppose to touch it, I said, I just wanted to say hi, just then another guy came up, and everyone greeted him, and told him ask anything you want and he will tell you, I was like i’am sure, hes probly another guy wanting to freak people out to get free drinks.so I knew no one knew my nickname, in school down in the states, so I would get him with that. When I asked him, he told me the name and also what was going on back then. I was like amazed and scared at the same time. He turned to me and said, I know you are a deep person seeking truth, do you want to go deeper, I was like ok, cause I always wanted to go deeper in things.

SOMETHING WICKED THIS WAY COMES

  He took my hands, and said close your eyes, and asked what do you feel, I said I felt like a dark cold, like a cold dead body, he said, ok, now what do you feel, I said, something very wicked, then he said, now what do you feel, all of a sudden I felt this heavy dark evil blackness, that felt like a heavy wet blanket. He said open your eyes, when I did, I saw nothing but demons all around me, even the people that were there had faces of demons, he said you know why you seem them like that, cause they sold their souls to the devil. I was like man, I am way over my head, I didn’t know what to do, as I was surrounded by these evil things, I was hemmed in and couldn’t get out. All of a sudden the place lit up like a ballroom, and I could see this man walking in, every eye was on him, and some even were thanking him for whatever he had done for them, by this time, the people had went back to normal looking, but the demons were still there. Someone said the boss wants to meet you, I wanted to run but couldn’t. So I sat there as he sat down, and he begin to tell me he planned all of this, and when things went bad for me before it was him who had done it. It was so he could meet me, because he said, I had some special gifts, that he could use, if I would work for him and learn to love him, I said no, I love god. He looked a little upset, the people at my table said don’t say that to him, he doesn’t like it. I looked at him and he looked at me and said, you think you know who I am, and he got up and said do I have hoofs, I said no because he had exspensive shoes on, he turned around and said, do I have a tail, again I said no, his suit was very exspensive, and he commanded attenion.he sat back down and asked me to be with him and love him. I kept saying no, finaaly the group that had been with me, including the girl, said, if you don’t want to be with us, your on your own, and he will deal with you. He asked,one more time, and this time I refused and said no, I love jesus, when I said that he got totally angry and screamed at me,don’t you ever use that name again,and say you love him.

LOOKING INTO THE FACE HELL

  As I stood there, a fear I had never known took over me, as he said, if you don’t want to love and serve me, I will take you to hell. As he said this,a demon that some people tried to cast out of me, was dancing and singing, saying I told you I would take you to hell and now you are going there, the floor opened up and I could see hell below,i said I cover myself with the blood of jesus, the devil looked at me and said that doesn’t apply to you, you are in my territory now,and you haven’t been living for god, fact is I know you have drugs in your pocket and I know what you wanted to do with that girl,then I said please let me say a prayer, and he said, go ahead that won’t help you either, you will be in hell in five seconds,so I said, dear jesus, I am so sorry I didn’t listen and follow you, I am going to hell now, but I will always love you, I am so sorry my life has to end tis way, just then he said, do it, a guy with a big gun put it to my head, and was pulling the trigger, when a big angel came out of nowhere and said you can’t have him, he belongs to god.when he said this, a big light came shining down from aboveand all the demons,ran into the shadows huddled together, and the angel looked at that demon who had been with me, and said you have bothered this boy long enough, don’t ever bother him again, or I will fight you my self.the devil was filled with evil rage, he kept saying he broke the rules, he broke the rules, the angel replied, it doesn’t matter this is a divine intervention, I have come from the throne of god and he is off limits, he belongs to god.the devil looked around and said if I can’t have him, then I will take her, meaning the girl I had been with, I looked up at the angel who was so big I couldn’t see his face, and begged him, please don’t let him have anyone I know, even if I just met them, the angel said, no you can’t have anyone associated with him, then the devil seemed to look thru the walls and there we saw a girl, passed out at a table somewhere, and said I will take her and the angel said, so be it,and I watched as she was flung into hell, and I was crying cause I didn’t want anyone to go there.

A DIVINE INTERVENTION

  As I just witnessed a lost soul cast into hell, the devil said, I am going to hurt someone in his family, the angel said you can hurt them but can’t kill them.i had a brother trying to serve god in his own way, a couple nights after this happened he was drinking and was nearly killed, and later on did something so awful, that now he is in prison for a long time.the devil went over where the rest of the demons were, and pointed a finger at me and said, I just about got you, next time I will get you. I looked back at him and said, there won’t be a next time I am going to serve god, and when I am stronger I will fight you whereever you are, and then he disappeared,and I was still standing next to the angel, and he spoke to me and said, this is your last chance, if you don’t follow god he will get you, this is the last time god will intervine for you, he has rescued you so many times, this is the end of the road. Now I have to go, someone else will come and talk with you, go over there and sit down, as he said this, he too was gone, just then a man walked up to me, with a suit coat on and said, I have been sent to talk with you, you must heed this warning, go back home and pray and read your bible, there will be a man you will meet he will tell you what to do, god has many things he wants you to do, but you need to get your house in order, I have to go now remember what you have been told, I said, please take me with you, he said, where I go you cannot come, with that he took three steps and disappeared into thin air, alot of people saw it, and said did you see that. Ever since that time I have followed my master and savior, I wish I could say, it has been a great time, fact is its been one of the hardest things I have ever done, but our father is always faithful, he has taught me so much, in this journey. I went on to bible college and graduated, and have been trying to walk closer with our heavenly father each day.

 

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